Jealousy

Jealousy is much discussed within the polyamory community. I have found there to be two general schools of thought when it comes to polyamory and jealousy. The first is that polyamorous people don't get jealous. I've met a few people like this but they seem to be few and far between and have normally spent a lot of time already understanding themselves and their nature.

The second most expressed opinion I've heard regarding polyamory and jealousy is that polyamorous people are better at working through and expressing their emotions and can therefore deal with jealousy better than the "average" monogamous person. I don't think being polyamorous means that a person is intrinsically better at communicating and dealing with feelings. They may get more practice at it however if they're actively maintaining multiple relationships and get better at it to sustain those relationships.

The Jealousy Excuse, Can We Please Get Real compares learning to share in kindergarten and with modern polyamory. While sharing your toy and your lover maybe a difficult comparison for some, why is it that the line is drawn at sex and love for so many? You can borrow my DVD, you can borrow my car, you can even sleep on my couch in hard times, but demonstrate love and affection for my spouse or partner and that's it, now you're crossed the line. I really enjoyed Paradoxical Polyamory, and it's worth the read.

I have certainly been faced with my own fears and insecurities multiple times over the years since discovering polyamory. I'm still faced with jealousy on occasion. I experience envy when my partner(s) are participating in an activity that I wish I could, whether that's with another person or not. My insecurities arise when I do not feel like a priority or important in my partner(s) life. I can be gripped with the fear of abandonment when life changes and stresses throw mine or partner(s) lives's into chaos. These are all things I've dealt with in monogamous relationships as well, normally by ignoring them until they go away. The difference for me is that I've found by communicating and working through these issues with my poly partner(s) the love and life experience I get in exchange far outweighs the temporary emotional distress.

I find myself going back to How to Fix a Broken Refrigerator and Poly and Jealousy when I'm in emotional distress and feeling that little tug of envy or fear creeping up.