Training

When I first met my Sir I started researching and learning more about what it means to be a submissive. I always knew I was a little kinky and different but Sir really started to bring out those desires and passions that I have kept hidden and secret for so long. It was extremely difficult for me to even express my wants and needs. Nevermind confessing fantasies of rape and gangbangs, I could barely say the words anal sex or butt plug without blushing.

When he told me that I would be starting first with training and only a working/training collar, I didn't understand. What was there to train for? Not like I was running a marathon. I was waiting simply for instruction and action. Being the stubborn girl that I am, I was sure there was nothing he could dish out that I couldn't take. Wow, was I wrong.

I have learned so much, while being in training that I wouldn't trade it in for any pretty fancy collar that doesn't mean anything. I've learned how to suck my Master's cock and swallow it all the way to the balls. I've learned how to relax my anal muscles and allow penetration by a butt plug or a cock and enjoy it. Ten months ago I couldn't, I wouldn't, no way would I have considered it.

I've also learned to please my Master and serve him in ways to make his life better and make him happier. I know to come to him and give him a hug and kiss upon entering so he can transition from work to home. I've learned how he likes his boots removed and cleaned, how to fold his laundry and what he likes to eat. Sure, these are things that you may learn about a partner in a non-power exchange based relationship as well but here's the real kicker for me. I've learned how to focus and take comfort, even pleasure, in performing these tasks for my Master.

I am his.

My Story of O

Most people in kink or BDSM have heard of the Story of O, a book published in 1954 about female submission and later was made into a movie. Instead of re-writing the story here, if you haven't heard of it, there's some interesting history and the book and movie are both fascinating.

For now, I have my own short story of O to tell. For my kindergarten graduation each child was given a letter of the alphabet and word starting with that letter. We each wore a t-shirt with our letter painted boldly on the front and back. When our turn came we stood proudly in front of our parents and sounded out our letter and word, pronounced graduated from kindergarten.

It was finally my turn, "O, for ah, ah, obstinate!"

I think my parents would agree that the letter/word combination was well fitting back then. After relating the story to my Sir the other night, he assured me that I could still wear the letter/word with pride.

Things I Have Broken With My Pussy

What's a slut to do with a horny pussy? Abuse it with as many things as she can find!

1. Ken doll - when I was starting to experiment, I liked to pretend that Ken would give me oral sex. One day I got a little carried away, and Ken "lost" his head! I wonder what a Mother thinks when a 12 year old needs help on a "search and rescue" mission, hmmm?

2. Too many vibrators to list - the most expensive was a fancy japenese dolphin style one from Evolve. Don't get me wrong, Evolve makes nice stuff, it just didn't last more than a month against the rigors of my pussy. I'll take my sex toys in industrial strength please?

3. People - I've never had to take anyone to the ER... yet. But a couple of cocks have been close and a girlfriend once sprained her pinkie finger while she was fisting me and I was cumming.

While we're on the subject of things in my pussy and making lists, how about a nice list of interesting things that have been in my pussy.

1. Beer bottle
2. Shampoo bottle
3. Water bottle
4. Hair brush
5. Cucumber
6. Ken doll... ahem...
7. Mannequin foot
8. Flute... yes, I was in the band
9. Screwdriver handle
10. Nunchucks

I read a story once where a woman's pussy was slowly stuffed with pencils, hmmm. I've thought about trying that. I've also wanted to fuck a bedpost but never seem to have the right bed, darn it. What about you? Anything you like to put in your pussy or someone you love's pussy? Something I should try in mine?

Jealousy

Jealousy is much discussed within the polyamory community. I have found there to be two general schools of thought when it comes to polyamory and jealousy. The first is that polyamorous people don't get jealous. I've met a few people like this but they seem to be few and far between and have normally spent a lot of time already understanding themselves and their nature.

The second most expressed opinion I've heard regarding polyamory and jealousy is that polyamorous people are better at working through and expressing their emotions and can therefore deal with jealousy better than the "average" monogamous person. I don't think being polyamorous means that a person is intrinsically better at communicating and dealing with feelings. They may get more practice at it however if they're actively maintaining multiple relationships and get better at it to sustain those relationships.

The Jealousy Excuse, Can We Please Get Real compares learning to share in kindergarten and with modern polyamory. While sharing your toy and your lover maybe a difficult comparison for some, why is it that the line is drawn at sex and love for so many? You can borrow my DVD, you can borrow my car, you can even sleep on my couch in hard times, but demonstrate love and affection for my spouse or partner and that's it, now you're crossed the line. I really enjoyed Paradoxical Polyamory, and it's worth the read.

I have certainly been faced with my own fears and insecurities multiple times over the years since discovering polyamory. I'm still faced with jealousy on occasion. I experience envy when my partner(s) are participating in an activity that I wish I could, whether that's with another person or not. My insecurities arise when I do not feel like a priority or important in my partner(s) life. I can be gripped with the fear of abandonment when life changes and stresses throw mine or partner(s) lives's into chaos. These are all things I've dealt with in monogamous relationships as well, normally by ignoring them until they go away. The difference for me is that I've found by communicating and working through these issues with my poly partner(s) the love and life experience I get in exchange far outweighs the temporary emotional distress.

I find myself going back to How to Fix a Broken Refrigerator and Poly and Jealousy when I'm in emotional distress and feeling that little tug of envy or fear creeping up.

The Taking

She was tired but it was Friday and she was pulling into the driveway. She couldn't wait to take off her shoes, mix herself a strong cocktail and maybe even smoke a bowl or two. She had the place to herself all weekend since the roommates were out of town and she was looking forward to lounging around half naked and working on some of her craft projects.

She must have been distracted as she turned off the engine and got out of the car because she didn't notice the white van pull up to the end of the driveway. She was fumbling for her house key when she felt a set of strong hands from behind. Before she even realized what had happened there was duct tape over mouth, her hands were bound and she was tossed into the back of the van by two huge men. Two more guys were in the back of van and they took charge next, blindfolding her and binding her thrashing legs. 

Her mind was racing with possibilities. Was this it? Was this what they had talked about? She had told her boyfriend about her secret fantasy to be kidnapped and used as a sex slave but didn't think he would ever really follow-up on it. She didn't recognize any of the men before they blindflolded her, what if this wasn't set-up for her benfit? Did any of the neighbors see? What would they do to her?

She found out soon enough. An unfamilar voice commanded her to sit still but she was too excited, too frightened, and the van took a sharp turn right then that sent her sliding across the floor. In moments she felt a hand grab her as she was slapped on her right cheek, 'I said sit still slut,' he barked. Feeling the sting on her face she sat as still as she could. Suddenly she was keenly aware of the cold metal being slipped into the waist band of her pants and the sound of cutting fabric. Mere seconds later, she shivered at her nakedness and wildly wondered what would happen next. But they didn't touch her or make any noise for what seemed like ages.

Finally the van came to a stop. One of the men grabbed her by the hair and pulled her to the door of the van. Then she was falling onto gravel. Her ass and elbows took the brunt of the fall and she thought she felt blood seeping from her right elbow. She tried to cry out but was only muffled by the duct tape. She was becoming ever more freightened. Her boyfriend wouldn't do this to her would he? He wouldn't let these men get away with treating her like this. When he saw her blood and bruises he would surely put a stop to this. She attempted to focus on her other senses and figure out where she was and if her boyfriend was here afterall.

One of the men spoke up, 'You can forget about searching for your boyfriend. He sold you to us,' he leered and her heart sank, tears starting to stream down her face, no longer fighting to hold them back. 'We're 5 miles from the nearest neighbor so you can yell and scream all you want but that body is our's. Now, if you're a good little slut like your boyfriend says you are, we might let you go at the end of the weekend.'

With that he strode over to her and ripped the duct tape off her mouth. Balling it up and throwing it over her shoulder he then went to work on his belt buckle. 'Get on your knees slut,' the tallest of the men demanded but she started to violently shake her head back and forth. This earned her another hard slap across the face from the man freeing his dick from his pants while tall guy and the man opposite him shoved her to her knees in front of the waiting cock. Her jaw fell open from the shock and he wasted no time shoving his cock in her mouth as he started to force it down her throat. 'That's a good slut, take my cock in your filthy mouth, that's it, all of it,' he crooned sickeningly sweet as his hand grabbed a handful of hair at the back of her head and continued to push her mouth onto his cock.

Just as she was about to resign herself to her fate at the hands of these four animals, the door to the cabin opened and her boyfriend walked in with a silly grin all over his face. She tried to stand up and rush over to him thinking that he was here to rescue her but then she saw the riding crop in his hand and stopped halfway, still in a kneeling position. Her boyfriend's grin quickly flashed to sterness, 'Did I tell you to quit sucking Victor's cock? Get back on your knees slut,' was quickly followed by multiple raps on her ass with the crop. She let out a yelp and her eyes went wide as saucers as she realized what he was saying. She turned back to sucking on the cock in front of her, letting her mind wander and her body surrender. She smiled, she had no idea what was in store for her over the weekend but she knew not to fight it any longer.

Expectations

"Expectation is the root of all heartache." - William Shakespeare

 "Life is largely a matter of expectation." - Horace

"Life is so contructed, that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation" - Charlotte Bronte

"We never live; we are always in the expectation of living." - Voltaire

Expectation - The act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

All relationships have expectations. Most relationships are looking forward and anticipating the future, together, but when partners have different expectations it can be like they're looking forward in different directions, and if they start running in different directions it's going to hurt when either the rubber band snaps and pulls them back or breaks and sets them apart. In most relationships a misunderstanding of expectations can lead to disappointment, anger, frustration and then right to a break-down of communication. Add in polyamorous and BDSM relationships, the expectations of each partner and each relationship adds to the complexity. Thinking of the rubber band analogy, there can be multiple rubber bands being stretched with expectations from multiple partners, or rubber bands around more than just 2 people and balancing the expectations of everyone in the relationship.

 

Is it the more expectations, the more chance for disappointment? What happens when expectations aren't being communicated clearly so the partner can't do what they don't know is expected of them? Is the expectation unrealistic, something unattainable, that the partner can't or won't do? Is an unrealized or unfulfilled expectation the same as a broken promise?