Monday, June 18, 2012

My Inbox

Examples of what not to do when contacting me on any of my online profiles... and yes, these are all real first contacts.

Example #1
"Hi-- I'm 32, and I've never been drunk in front of anyone. No one. I spent years being too afraid of myself to ever try. Two days ago, I tried, but alone. I'm considering trying again-- that is, this time find someone to talk to, and, get drunk admit things I've never admitted. Talk about things I've never talked about. I'm not gay, but I want, for first time, to come "out of the closet" to a total stranger about my sexuality, which I logically know is not immoral but I irrationally feel total shame over it. Would you hear my "confession", so I can perhaps heal some of my life-long wounds, or learn to be more accepting of psychological scars, rather than thinking of my scars as revolting to others? I'm not local, I'm not who you're probably looking for. But even if you can't deliever me to freedom from my own shame, perhaps you can deliver me to someome who brings me a step closer to the healing I need."

Example #2
"Wow you are hot as hell. Is it bad that I want a girlfriend I can treat like a princess, and who will let me watch her with black dudes?"

Example #3
"bisexual crossdressing male looking to open minded friends"

Example #4
"I would love to suck your husbands cock while you watched!!"

Example #5
"MWM, 59, 6'1 220 Alpha in xxxx 2 times in April--would love to see how compatible we may be"

Example #6
"thank you for adding me to your first list well if you would like to be friends with me and also to have chat with me, you can fine my web ids on my profile hope to chat with you very soon"

Example #7
"Hello there. I would like to talk to you and get to know you. Maybe W/we could be a match. you seem to be looking for the same things I am. messege Me back"

Examples #8, 9 and 10 (all from the same person in less than a week - with no response from me)
"hi there, saw you on the xxx group, figured i would say hi. you seem to be like me in a few ways so i figured we could talk some."

"Hello a few months back we had tried to start talking i am still very intreasted in you as a play partner. we seem to like alot of the same things. your profile picture prompts me to desire to give it a good spanking."

"We tried to start a conversation a few months back but neither of us had time as i was going through my messages i noticed your profile pic...my god i want to get with you some time an give you a good spanking."

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Pushing Past the Physical - Humiliation

The only way into truth is through ones own annihilation; through dwelling a long time in a state of extreme and total humiliation. - Simone Weil


To lower pride, dignity, or self respect - to humiliate.

How can a person want to be stripped of their pride, dignity and self respect? Just like a masochist searching for physical pain to stimulate adrenalin and endorphin release; stress, fear and emotional pain have been shown to activate the same areas of the brain and release the same hormones. Learning to process the mental is very similar to the physical.

Tomatoes Can Be Torture Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.

While receiving physical pain my goal is to loose my physical being. To be so in the moment, so in the pain that there is no longer any pain. There's only the Sadist and the whip. When I hit that spot I sometimes feel like I'm watching from outside my body and I no longer exist physically. Then when the cuffs are released and Daddy catches my body I am released as well - from the stress at work, from the bills, from that argument, from that nightmare - and all is well.

Humiliation is different in nuance with similar effect. I am a strong willed and independant woman. I am in charge of my house and job. Start to take all of that away and what is left? Call me names, make me do things I find distasteful and degrading... keep going and just like with pain, I'm no longer that strong willed and independent woman. I no longer exist and there's only the Sadist and his mind. Then Daddy hugs me and calls me his good girl and I'm released - it no longer matters if I screwd up at work, or was in a bad mood, or if money is tight.

Being humiliated in a bdsm scene does not make me less of woman. It does not mean I enjoy random insults hurled from the street - just as with enjoying a beating doesn't mean I like being hit with a shopping cart by strangers in the store. The intent is different, the expectation is different. It may not be everyones cup of tea, sometimes it tastes a little bitter, but the mystery at the bottom of the cup calls my name.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I'm a Brat... So What?

In the course of my relationship with Sir I have come to the conclusion that I am not a 'good' submissive. I say no a lot. I pout and sometimes throw a temper tantrum even. I'm not super service oriented and have a hard time when things aren't 'fair.' I've been struggling with feeling like this makes me less of a submissive and trying to understand how to be a 'better' submissive.

After some recent discussions I realize it doesn't matter how my submission measures up to someone else's. It works for me and my Daddy. Yes, Sir is also Daddy now because when I'm feeling out of control and acting out, Daddy understands and can comfort his lil girl instead of Sir looking for obedience. Sometimes we switch back and forth depending on where I'm at and what I'm needing.

So, I'm a brat and a Smart Assed Masochist (SAM). A lot of dominants may not like playing with me because they will see me as 'topping from the bottom.' But it's just me. I can't just surrender control without a struggle be it mental or physical. I want my dominant to TAKE control. Otherwise I will find and push buttons and test limits.

I maybe a handful and a challenge for a dominant but I am still submissive. And for those that can handle a brat and put her in her place... I'm a lot of fun.