Love 'em and Leave 'em

I don't mean relationships. I am most definately poly and see no good reason to end a relationship to start another. But I have this other habit that I've been aware of for awhile when I discover a new activity I'm passionate about. I tend to throw myself into something, learning everything I can about it, submerging myself in the culture of it, obsessing over it. Then, it's not that I get bored of it but normally something happens, maybe drama, and I drop the activity for awhile. Slowly I'll remember what it was I loved about it and I'll figure outs way to work it into my life at a reasonable, balanced level. In the mean time I have moved onto the next passion/distraction/cycle. Some examples.

I took up taekwondo. Within 3 years I had black belt in taekwondo, a purple belt in Japanese jujitsu. I had lost 80 lb and competed in my first full contact match. I spent 10 days in Korea studying the culture and history of taekwondo. I was teaching aerobic kickboxing and little tots classes. Then I got pregnant, had a miscarriage, had an affair with my sinsai, got a divorce and was exiled from the school. I haven't studied martial arts since but I have spent a lot of time coming to terms with the issues that were raised. Realizing I don't want kids, and that monogamy isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Shortly after that I went on my first skydive. In the first month I had my license and a month later my own gear. I made about 300 jumps in my first year of skydiving. I was very unhappy in my job at the time so I took a leave of absence to go skydiving for a year. I lived in a trailer on a dropzone and packed parachutes for extra cash. I was remarried in the back of an airplane and kissed in freefall. The costs of skydiving are high and I don't always mean money. The person who bought my couch - dead, my neighbor with the beautiful flowers outside his trailer - dead, the guy with the hot Russian wife in front of me on the plane - parapelegic, the cool guy that welcomed us to the new dropzone - dead... and it goes on...they were all preventable... all dumb mistakes that you say will never happen to you. The one day when it's me...almost dead, I threw up. Everybody says you gotta get back on the horse/bike/skydive and I did. My wedding ring is engraved with, 'blue skies, black death'. Last year I made 1 jump. This year I have a goal to make 20-50 jumps.

Next passion...knitting, yup, knitting. I've always been pretty creative and after evacuating for hurricane Katrina I had a lot free time on my hands. I picked up some cheap yarn and started crocheting which my grandmother had taught me when I was about 10 years old. Then I happened across one of those cute little yarn stores with the fancy yarn and was amazed but still stuck with my trusty crochet. Until one day I went into the cutest yarn shop and someone was knitting socks. I couldn't crochet socks like that. So I learned how to knit. Within a year I had designed and sold my first sock pattern. I had stash many knitting years beyond my life expectancy. I had been to knitting conventions and had physical therapy for 'knitters elbow'. Then I had some difficulties with one of my long time bulk pattern customers who wasn't pleased with some custom work I did. I took a break. I've gone back to knitting and even some designing but don't sale patterns anymore.

I've been riding motorcycles for 5-6 years. At the peak I put almost 11k miles on my bike in one season. I did a 1000 mile ride in 24 hours. I was in a riding club and lead group rides and am confident in my riding. I rode in cold and rain and was miserable. Now I consider myself a fair weather rider. I don't have to ride for transportation, I do it for pleasure, so why not, do it when it's most pleasurable.

I see a pattern and now there's bdsm. Do I just let it run its course? Being aware of the pattern do I try to limit the 'obession' stage? I also keep thinking that it's sex and there's so many kinks to explore how can I not be intrigued? And even though there's a pattern there's also a trigger type event in the examples and I'm not sure how to predict that in this scenario.

S & M

I am Sadist.
I am Masochist.

I was sitting on the floor at my girlfriend's feet, having just a few moments before told her that I was feeling especially 'bottomy' and that she should take control of our switch dynamic for the evening if she felt so inclined. Suddenly both of her hands came down smacking on each of my inner thighs and her small bright hand prints immediately started to raise on my pale skin. I flushed and exclaimed, "wow!"
"Not expecting that?," she giggled.
I spread my legs like the exhibitionist I am and showed her the wet spot forming on my pink panties. Without any other touch, without a kiss or caress, or even a kind word my body had demonstrated it's deepest desires. I was rather pleased with the demonstration.

I often see the phrase 'pain is pleasure.' It confused me for some time. Pain is not pleasure for me... pain hurts...that's kind of the whole point. Does something have to be pleasurable to be sexually gratifying and satisfying and fulfilling? I've found myself using the terms 'Good' pain to refer to pain that is sexually stimulating and 'bad' pain for all that other stuff like being sick or stubbing toes.

I am currently fascinated with pain and exploring how and why we react the way we do it. The physical and emotional responses to pain run deep. Maybe I'm a pain slut or a sadiomasochist switch or is there a pain fetishtist? Not sure, but as of late I've had an overwhelming desire to hurt and be hurt...