Poly - Heirarchy, Rules and Boundaries

Everybody does poly their own way. Every relationship has it's own set of rules and boundaries and structure. I hear and read a lot of poly folks discussing how bad rules are and that having a primary/secondary heirarchy is asking for trouble. While I agree to some extent with most of what I see expressed by those like Franklin Veaux in theory, when it comes to the practical in my life, it doesn't always work out so.

I don't define my relationships as primary or secondary. Each relationship has developed and matured at it's own pace and each is flexible and allowed growth and change when desired. Here comes the but... But my husband and I made a commitment to be life partners. My Daddy and I have a commitment to our power exchange relationship. This is the way things are. So a new relationship in my poly world is not defined or limited to being 'secondary' but these commitments to my current relationships are non-negotiable. To many this means an innate heirarchy but to me this means having an open mind and an open heart.

I have similar thoughts about rules versus boundaries in my relationships. For example a boundary in many relationships is not to have unprotected sex with outside partners. How would this be different from a rule stating the same? Not much really - the outcome is probably the same, it's the intent that makes the difference. If it is a condom rule the intent is to attempt to control your partner into doing what you want. If it's a boundary - the intent is that it's something you have communicated is an important need or desire for you and your partner has agreed to respect that boundary. Rules insinsuate control while boundaries insinuate communication. Breaking a rule or crossing a boundary however both have consequences.

Then there's the poly golden rule - veto, the end all, be all of heirarchy, rules and boundaries. Again this is a mixed bag for me. I don't believe in veto power. I don't want to tell my partners who they can or cant spend time with or fall in love with and I expect the same. At the same time, I don't want my partners in unhealthy relationships that are negatively impacting us and I do expect to speak up and communicate those issues with my partners. Based on our relationship and our commmitment to it I expect my partners to place a priority on my thoughts and feelings, especially when boundary violations are involved.

Despite the fact that in theory I don't have a primary/secondary structure and that we have boundaries instead of rules... when it comes to the practical application the end result is often the same, especially when viewed from the outside. In the end how much does the intent matter? Is it really the thought that counts? Or is it all just semantics?

Trust, Love and the Edge

I've been thinking a lot about how trust develops in D/s relationship and the effect of love on the relationship. When does a Master love his slave? Should he? How does that affect their power exchange? Can the submissive trust the dom enough to let go without falling in love?

I have fantasies of being used and humiliated by multiple men. I often wonder about being whored out and forced to perform sex acts with strangers. I masturbate to stories of good girls turned into wanton sluts. And even darker dreams.

I want to be the best slut for my Master. I want to fuck anyone he tells me to anywhere. I want him to push my limits of sex and pain. He's the only person I trust to take it to my edge and play there. But now that the trust is there is his love stopping him from being willing? Is the risk now too great for the Master due to loving the submissive? How do you trust someone enough to play on the edge and still be willing to take that risk that playing on edge with them means?

My thoughts continue to wonder around these questions and roll them around in the back of my mind. For now we tiptoe around the edge and the fantasies remain fantasies.