Monday, June 18, 2012

My Inbox

Examples of what not to do when contacting me on any of my online profiles... and yes, these are all real first contacts.

Example #1
"Hi-- I'm 32, and I've never been drunk in front of anyone. No one. I spent years being too afraid of myself to ever try. Two days ago, I tried, but alone. I'm considering trying again-- that is, this time find someone to talk to, and, get drunk admit things I've never admitted. Talk about things I've never talked about. I'm not gay, but I want, for first time, to come "out of the closet" to a total stranger about my sexuality, which I logically know is not immoral but I irrationally feel total shame over it. Would you hear my "confession", so I can perhaps heal some of my life-long wounds, or learn to be more accepting of psychological scars, rather than thinking of my scars as revolting to others? I'm not local, I'm not who you're probably looking for. But even if you can't deliever me to freedom from my own shame, perhaps you can deliver me to someome who brings me a step closer to the healing I need."

Example #2
"Wow you are hot as hell. Is it bad that I want a girlfriend I can treat like a princess, and who will let me watch her with black dudes?"

Example #3
"bisexual crossdressing male looking to open minded friends"

Example #4
"I would love to suck your husbands cock while you watched!!"

Example #5
"MWM, 59, 6'1 220 Alpha in xxxx 2 times in April--would love to see how compatible we may be"

Example #6
"thank you for adding me to your first list well if you would like to be friends with me and also to have chat with me, you can fine my web ids on my profile hope to chat with you very soon"

Example #7
"Hello there. I would like to talk to you and get to know you. Maybe W/we could be a match. you seem to be looking for the same things I am. messege Me back"

Examples #8, 9 and 10 (all from the same person in less than a week - with no response from me)
"hi there, saw you on the xxx group, figured i would say hi. you seem to be like me in a few ways so i figured we could talk some."

"Hello a few months back we had tried to start talking i am still very intreasted in you as a play partner. we seem to like alot of the same things. your profile picture prompts me to desire to give it a good spanking."

"We tried to start a conversation a few months back but neither of us had time as i was going through my messages i noticed your profile god i want to get with you some time an give you a good spanking."

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Pushing Past the Physical - Humiliation

The only way into truth is through ones own annihilation; through dwelling a long time in a state of extreme and total humiliation. - Simone Weil

To lower pride, dignity, or self respect - to humiliate.

How can a person want to be stripped of their pride, dignity and self respect? Just like a masochist searching for physical pain to stimulate adrenalin and endorphin release; stress, fear and emotional pain have been shown to activate the same areas of the brain and release the same hormones. Learning to process the mental is very similar to the physical.

Tomatoes Can Be Torture Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.

While receiving physical pain my goal is to loose my physical being. To be so in the moment, so in the pain that there is no longer any pain. There's only the Sadist and the whip. When I hit that spot I sometimes feel like I'm watching from outside my body and I no longer exist physically. Then when the cuffs are released and Daddy catches my body I am released as well - from the stress at work, from the bills, from that argument, from that nightmare - and all is well.

Humiliation is different in nuance with similar effect. I am a strong willed and independant woman. I am in charge of my house and job. Start to take all of that away and what is left? Call me names, make me do things I find distasteful and degrading... keep going and just like with pain, I'm no longer that strong willed and independent woman. I no longer exist and there's only the Sadist and his mind. Then Daddy hugs me and calls me his good girl and I'm released - it no longer matters if I screwd up at work, or was in a bad mood, or if money is tight.

Being humiliated in a bdsm scene does not make me less of woman. It does not mean I enjoy random insults hurled from the street - just as with enjoying a beating doesn't mean I like being hit with a shopping cart by strangers in the store. The intent is different, the expectation is different. It may not be everyones cup of tea, sometimes it tastes a little bitter, but the mystery at the bottom of the cup calls my name.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I'm a Brat... So What?

In the course of my relationship with Sir I have come to the conclusion that I am not a 'good' submissive. I say no a lot. I pout and sometimes throw a temper tantrum even. I'm not super service oriented and have a hard time when things aren't 'fair.' I've been struggling with feeling like this makes me less of a submissive and trying to understand how to be a 'better' submissive.

After some recent discussions I realize it doesn't matter how my submission measures up to someone else's. It works for me and my Daddy. Yes, Sir is also Daddy now because when I'm feeling out of control and acting out, Daddy understands and can comfort his lil girl instead of Sir looking for obedience. Sometimes we switch back and forth depending on where I'm at and what I'm needing.

So, I'm a brat and a Smart Assed Masochist (SAM). A lot of dominants may not like playing with me because they will see me as 'topping from the bottom.' But it's just me. I can't just surrender control without a struggle be it mental or physical. I want my dominant to TAKE control. Otherwise I will find and push buttons and test limits.

I maybe a handful and a challenge for a dominant but I am still submissive. And for those that can handle a brat and put her in her place... I'm a lot of fun.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Poly - Heirarchy, Rules and Boundaries

Everybody does poly their own way. Every relationship has it's own set of rules and boundaries and structure. I hear and read a lot of poly folks discussing how bad rules are and that having a primary/secondary heirarchy is asking for trouble. While I agree to some extent with most of what I see expressed by those like Franklin Veaux in theory, when it comes to the practical in my life, it doesn't always work out so.

I don't define my relationships as primary or secondary. Each relationship has developed and matured at it's own pace and each is flexible and allowed growth and change when desired. Here comes the but... But my husband and I made a commitment to be life partners. My Daddy and I have a commitment to our power exchange relationship. This is the way things are. So a new relationship in my poly world is not defined or limited to being 'secondary' but these commitments to my current relationships are non-negotiable. To many this means an innate heirarchy but to me this means having an open mind and an open heart.

I have similar thoughts about rules versus boundaries in my relationships. For example a boundary in many relationships is not to have unprotected sex with outside partners. How would this be different from a rule stating the same? Not much really - the outcome is probably the same, it's the intent that makes the difference. If it is a condom rule the intent is to attempt to control your partner into doing what you want. If it's a boundary - the intent is that it's something you have communicated is an important need or desire for you and your partner has agreed to respect that boundary. Rules insinsuate control while boundaries insinuate communication. Breaking a rule or crossing a boundary however both have consequences.

Then there's the poly golden rule - veto, the end all, be all of heirarchy, rules and boundaries. Again this is a mixed bag for me. I don't believe in veto power. I don't want to tell my partners who they can or cant spend time with or fall in love with and I expect the same. At the same time, I don't want my partners in unhealthy relationships that are negatively impacting us and I do expect to speak up and communicate those issues with my partners. Based on our relationship and our commmitment to it I expect my partners to place a priority on my thoughts and feelings, especially when boundary violations are involved.

Despite the fact that in theory I don't have a primary/secondary structure and that we have boundaries instead of rules... when it comes to the practical application the end result is often the same, especially when viewed from the outside. In the end how much does the intent matter? Is it really the thought that counts? Or is it all just semantics?

Friday, May 18, 2012

Trust, Love and the Edge

I've been thinking a lot about how trust develops in D/s relationship and the effect of love on the relationship. When does a Master love his slave? Should he? How does that affect their power exchange? Can the submissive trust the dom enough to let go without falling in love?

I have fantasies of being used and humiliated by multiple men. I often wonder about being whored out and forced to perform sex acts with strangers. I masturbate to stories of good girls turned into wanton sluts. And even darker dreams.

I want to be the best slut for my Master. I want to fuck anyone he tells me to anywhere. I want him to push my limits of sex and pain. He's the only person I trust to take it to my edge and play there. But now that the trust is there is his love stopping him from being willing? Is the risk now too great for the Master due to loving the submissive? How do you trust someone enough to play on the edge and still be willing to take that risk that playing on edge with them means?

My thoughts continue to wonder around these questions and roll them around in the back of my mind. For now we tiptoe around the edge and the fantasies remain fantasies.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Love 'em and Leave 'em

I don't mean relationships. I am most definately poly and see no good reason to end a relationship to start another. But I have this other habit that I've been aware of for awhile when I discover a new activity I'm passionate about. I tend to throw myself into something, learning everything I can about it, submerging myself in the culture of it, obsessing over it. Then, it's not that I get bored of it but normally something happens, maybe drama, and I drop the activity for awhile. Slowly I'll remember what it was I loved about it and I'll figure outs way to work it into my life at a reasonable, balanced level. In the mean time I have moved onto the next passion/distraction/cycle. Some examples.

I took up taekwondo. Within 3 years I had black belt in taekwondo, a purple belt in Japanese jujitsu. I had lost 80 lb and competed in my first full contact match. I spent 10 days in Korea studying the culture and history of taekwondo. I was teaching aerobic kickboxing and little tots classes. Then I got pregnant, had a miscarriage, had an affair with my sinsai, got a divorce and was exiled from the school. I haven't studied martial arts since but I have spent a lot of time coming to terms with the issues that were raised. Realizing I don't want kids, and that monogamy isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Shortly after that I went on my first skydive. In the first month I had my license and a month later my own gear. I made about 300 jumps in my first year of skydiving. I was very unhappy in my job at the time so I took a leave of absence to go skydiving for a year. I lived in a trailer on a dropzone and packed parachutes for extra cash. I was remarried in the back of an airplane and kissed in freefall. The costs of skydiving are high and I don't always mean money. The person who bought my couch - dead, my neighbor with the beautiful flowers outside his trailer - dead, the guy with the hot Russian wife in front of me on the plane - parapelegic, the cool guy that welcomed us to the new dropzone - dead... and it goes on...they were all preventable... all dumb mistakes that you say will never happen to you. The one day when it's me...almost dead, I threw up. Everybody says you gotta get back on the horse/bike/skydive and I did. My wedding ring is engraved with, 'blue skies, black death'. Last year I made 1 jump. This year I have a goal to make 20-50 jumps.

Next passion...knitting, yup, knitting. I've always been pretty creative and after evacuating for hurricane Katrina I had a lot free time on my hands. I picked up some cheap yarn and started crocheting which my grandmother had taught me when I was about 10 years old. Then I happened across one of those cute little yarn stores with the fancy yarn and was amazed but still stuck with my trusty crochet. Until one day I went into the cutest yarn shop and someone was knitting socks. I couldn't crochet socks like that. So I learned how to knit. Within a year I had designed and sold my first sock pattern. I had stash many knitting years beyond my life expectancy. I had been to knitting conventions and had physical therapy for 'knitters elbow'. Then I had some difficulties with one of my long time bulk pattern customers who wasn't pleased with some custom work I did. I took a break. I've gone back to knitting and even some designing but don't sale patterns anymore.

I've been riding motorcycles for 5-6 years. At the peak I put almost 11k miles on my bike in one season. I did a 1000 mile ride in 24 hours. I was in a riding club and lead group rides and am confident in my riding. I rode in cold and rain and was miserable. Now I consider myself a fair weather rider. I don't have to ride for transportation, I do it for pleasure, so why not, do it when it's most pleasurable.

I see a pattern and now there's bdsm. Do I just let it run its course? Being aware of the pattern do I try to limit the 'obession' stage? I also keep thinking that it's sex and there's so many kinks to explore how can I not be intrigued? And even though there's a pattern there's also a trigger type event in the examples and I'm not sure how to predict that in this scenario.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

S & M

I am Sadist.
I am Masochist.

I was sitting on the floor at my girlfriend's feet, having just a few moments before told her that I was feeling especially 'bottomy' and that she should take control of our switch dynamic for the evening if she felt so inclined. Suddenly both of her hands came down smacking on each of my inner thighs and her small bright hand prints immediately started to raise on my pale skin. I flushed and exclaimed, "wow!"
"Not expecting that?," she giggled.
I spread my legs like the exhibitionist I am and showed her the wet spot forming on my pink panties. Without any other touch, without a kiss or caress, or even a kind word my body had demonstrated it's deepest desires. I was rather pleased with the demonstration.

I often see the phrase 'pain is pleasure.' It confused me for some time. Pain is not pleasure for me... pain hurts...that's kind of the whole point. Does something have to be pleasurable to be sexually gratifying and satisfying and fulfilling? I've found myself using the terms 'Good' pain to refer to pain that is sexually stimulating and 'bad' pain for all that other stuff like being sick or stubbing toes.

I am currently fascinated with pain and exploring how and why we react the way we do it. The physical and emotional responses to pain run deep. Maybe I'm a pain slut or a sadiomasochist switch or is there a pain fetishtist? Not sure, but as of late I've had an overwhelming desire to hurt and be hurt...